


The Five Hypothetical Habits of Theoretically Successful Girlfriends

by phonecallfromgod



Category: American Vandal (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Genderswap, Love Confessions, Prom, Sharing a Bed, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 19:36:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17628404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phonecallfromgod/pseuds/phonecallfromgod
Summary: Piper Maldonado might be in search of the truth in her professional life, but in her personal life sometimes its just easier to let people come to their own conclusions.Or it is until a few uncorrected assumptions convince the whole internet that she and Sam are dating.





	The Five Hypothetical Habits of Theoretically Successful Girlfriends

The first time it happens is on the second Monday in November of Piper’s senior year. She’s in the TV studio trying to catch a few more minutes of shut-eye when Sam walks in with a tray of drinks, like she’s done every morning since she got her driver’s license. 

“Goooood morning sunshine,” Sam sing-songs at Piper who’s sitting behind the anchor’s desk with her head cushioned in her arms. 

Piper groans but pulls her head up, gladly accepting the iced coffee before gazing up at Sam and with melodramatic sincerity saying, “Have I told you how much I love you recently?” 

“Not since yesterday,” Sam says, like she always does, setting the tray down on the desk. “Late night?” 

“If I have to write another essay about what historical figures I’d most want to have dinner with I’m going to change my identity and move to Uruguay.” 

“I hear ya,” Sam says sympathetically stabbing at her own iced matcha with a straw and taking a long sip. 

Which turns out to be a stupid idea, because when Sam turns at the sound of someone in the doorway only to be faced with Christa Carlyle she practically inhales the straw, jabbing the back of her mouth and ending up spluttering pastel green liquid all over her white shirt. 

“Sorry,” Christa says giving a little sympathetic wince as Sam coughs. 

“Christa...hi,” Piper says, standing up from behind the desk. “What are you doing here?” 

Christa wrinkles her nose like that is a weird question, but it’s really not given that she graduated two years ago. “My little brother’s on the robotics team so I thought I’d come out and support him since I was home. Just thought I’d stop by and say hi to everyone...though looks like you guys are the only ones here.” 

“Haha yeah, we’re punctual,” Sam says, seemingly have regained control over her windpipe again. 

“I can see that,” Christa says and Sam hazards a frantic little _what do we do?_ Glance at Piper. 

Having had a year of distance between doing the doc had helped cool down the heated and frantic energy of when they were in the middle of the investigation. Like Sam still would really like to fucking know if Christa was the one who did it, but at this point she kind of figures if she did she probably had a good reason, even if throwing Dylan under the bus was pretty fucked up. But either way it doesn’t change the fact that the last time they’d talked had ended with Christa angrily denying her involvement and storming out of Piper’s house. 

Luckily, right before it becomes painfully obvious that none of them have any idea how to talk to each other, Emily Hershey appears in the doorway and excitedly greets Christa, followed pretty quickly by the rest of the Morning Show crew. Emily takes over, introducing Christa to everyone who joined after she graduated. 

“Well that was awkward as fuck,” Sam says quietly to Piper as she finishes preparing her notes, Christa on the other side of the room chatting animatedly with Randall and their new camerawoman Olivia. 

Piper doesn’t say anything, but her mouth is twisted in a little unhappy line. Not to be confused with her Serious Journalist Face — Sam was pretty sure a lot of people got them mixed up, but she could always tell the difference. 

“Is everyone here?” Piper says, going into Head Anchor mode. “Let’s huddle up.” 

“Oh, do you want me to head out?” Christa says. “I don’t mind.” 

Everyone looks to Piper who looks over at Sam for a split second before shrugging, “You can stay, it’s fine.” 

Christa lingers on the fringes of their circle while Piper gives out their daily assignments, shooting a guilty side glance over at Sam as she assigns her covering the robotics competition. Sam keeps a mostly straight face but does shoot a wide eyed ‘wish me luck’ little glance over her shoulder as she follows their sophomore cameraperson Ava out of the TV studio, Christa at her heels. 

The broadcast goes off without a hitch but that doesn’t totally tamp down the kernel of worry that Piper can’t stop mentally bumping up against, like poking a canker sore with her tongue. It also doesn’t help that they don’t have any morning classes together this semester so she can’t even ask Sam about how it went until lunch, Sam sliding in across from her at their usual table. 

“Hey,” Sam says, breaking apart her disposable chopsticks and rubbing them together for a second. “So Christa said the weirdest fucking thing to me at robotics.” 

“Oh?” Piper says, trying hard to keep her voice neutral, but her face must betray her and Sam waves a hand. 

“Oh my god, no, not like anything bad,” she says. “She was actually really nice. Especially after I pointed out the fact that, you know, we sure did never ask her if she _erased the footage_ even though that was clearly our theory.” 

Piper nods. She has debated internally with herself back and forth about whether or not that was the right choice. On the one hand it had felt like a bit of a cop out to purposefully give Christa a loophole, especially when it felt like they were so close to the truth. But on the other hand it had just felt so wrong to hang Christa out to dry if Coach Rafferty really had said something so horrible to her that she’d felt the need to spray paint twenty-seven dicks on cars when the school hadn’t done anything about it. 

Overall she still feels like giving her an out was the right choice, even if it’s led to endless mansplaining to her that she ‘forgot’ to ask Christa about deleting the footage on every single podcast interview and redd.it AMA she’s ever suffered through. 

“Anyways,” Sam says around a mouthful of spicy crab maki that she’s liberally dipped in her wasabi — which is actually spicy pollock maki that she’s liberally dipped in horseradish that’s been dyed green, but that’s just semantics, “She’s actually being pretty nice and chatty after we’re done filming and she’s like, ‘oh congrats on you and Piper getting together, you’re a really cute couple.’” 

Piper wrinkles her nose. “What?” 

“Yeah, that was my reaction too, but then whatsherface, Bailey whatever came over and started chatting with her so I couldn’t explain the whole, you know, separately gay thing.” 

“Huh.” 

“Yeah, it was weird,” Sam says with a shrug, and the documentarian in Piper wants to keep deconstructing this, but Sam’s already looking at something on her phone, clicking her chopsticks together absentmindedly while she scrolls. 

“Yeah, weird,” Piper agrees finally. She’s suddenly a lot less hungry for some reason. 

_ telegramfromzeus: _

__ _So I know the Vandal fandom is like four people and a spray painted dick but is it just me or are Sam and Piper like...totally into each other?_

_#Hannah Talks Vandal and Blah Blah_

_(via Tumblr)_

For better or worse, the Christa thing is soon forgotten as Piper receives an email from one Chloe Lyman, and suddenly their lives are a seemingly never-ending stream of emails and approvals. Piper is in the midst of going back and forth with Netflix about the size of their crew (she wants it to be as minimal as possible in order to better integrate into the school, Netflix is still trying to insist she needs at least four crew people on top of herself and Sam) and she’s pretty close to losing her cool about it so the incoming call from Chloe is a nice reprieve. 

“This is Piper Maldonado,” she says on reflex when she answers and there’s a weird pause for a second on the other end of the line. 

“Uh, hey, hi Piper this is Chloe Lyman,” Chloe says awkwardly. Which is fair enough since they haven’t really talked on the phone before, only email and one skype call with Sam. 

“Oh hey Chloe,” Piper says, in that feigned surprised way even though she obviously has caller ID. “What’s up?” 

“So I was just looking over that shooting schedule you sent me with my mom and there’s kind of a problem? Or like, it’s not a problem so much but just something I needed to check with you first?” 

“Alright, shoot.” 

“So you guys wanted to come in on the sixteenth of December, right?” 

That had been the plan. Piper figured that would give them some time to get b-roll, gather their preliminary interview subjects and just get a better lay of the land in Bellevue. Then Sam and Piper would fly home for a few days and be back in Washington before New Year’s Eve. 

“Is that going to be a problem?” 

“Well,” Chloe says, “okay, so, the thing is that we’ve been doing all these renovations in the guest house and they’re not going to be done until the New Year.” 

“Oh, do we need to find another place to stay?” Piper says frowning, already reaching for a notebook. They’re on a pretty small budget, even if they’ve got Netflix backing them now, but she figures she might be able to fandangle a hotel room or an Airbnb if necessary.

Chloe hums on the other end of the line. “I mean, most of the work is actually done, it’s just the one bedroom that still needs to be finished and stuff so I was thinking like, if you and Sam were okay with sharing for that first week? It’s a king bed.” 

Piper’s pen stills on the paper. Having to share a bed with Sam is so far down her list of concerns that she has to stop herself from laughing, especially because Chloe sounds genuinely apologetic. “Yeah that’ll be fine. It’s not like we’ve never shared a bed before.” 

Chloe breathes a sigh of relief. “That’s awesome. Okay cool I’ll tell my mom. I just didn’t wanna presume like, that you’d automatically be okay with that because you’re dating. Like I guess we could have put one of you in a guest room in the house or on the sofa or something, but that just seemed kind of unnecessarily complicated.” 

Piper’s vaguely aware that Chloe has kept talking but her brain kind of got stuck on ‘you’re dating’ and can’t quite follow the rest of it, a loose thread caught on a nail. 

“Anyway, sorry I’m sure you’re like, super busy so I’ll let you go, but I’m glad that all worked out fine,” Chloe says in a rush. 

“Okay,” Piper says, even though what she really wants to ask is _where the hell are you getting your information from?_ Or maybe _were you talking to Christa Carlyle about this?_ And not that she has a problem sharing a bed with Sam, but she can’t figure out a way to explain that they’re not a couple without making it sound like she really _does_ have a problem and sending Chloe off on another problem-solving tangent. 

Besides, she figures as she says bye to Chloe and hangs up, she can always clarify the situation later when she’s not being crushed by the weight of documentary prep and exams and college apps. 

Or at least Piper _meant_ to clarify the situation, but as soon as they get to Bellevue they’re so busy running around and getting drone shots and b-roll and sitting down with St. Bernardine administration to set up some filming guidelines that she straight up forgets. 

She also hasn’t told Sam. Or, well obviously she told Sam that they’d be sharing a room for the first week, but she hadn’t told her about why exactly Chloe thought they’d be cool to share a room. Not for any reason or anything, Sam would probably find it funny, just like the Christa thing. They’ve just been super busy. And seriously, it’s fine, they’ve shared beds at sleepovers a hundred times, and it’s a king bed so they don’t even really touch, Piper sprawled on her stomach on one end and Sam curled up on her side on the other. 

Piper manages to almost completely forget that it had happened in the first place until they’re back in Bellevue, Sam set up in the newly renovated other room. They’re both getting ready for the Lyman’s New Year’s Eve party, which Chloe insisted they come to so she wouldn’t be alone in a sea of her parents’ colleagues wanting to interrogate her about her college choices. Or rather, Piper is sitting on the edge of her bed while Sam stomps around between her bedroom and their connecting en suite, discarding outfits as she goes. 

“How are you ready already?” 

“How are you _not_ ready, how long does it take to put your hair up?” 

Sam rolls her eyes, pulling an elastic out of her hair and fluffing it out. Even though they’ve been friends for years it’s always kind of weird to see Sam with her hair down since she wears it up about 95% of the time. Piper didn’t totally get the logic of keeping your hair long just to put it up. She points this out to Sam, who has decided to relocate in front of her mirror, bobby pins in the corner of her mouth as she pulls half of her hair into a high pigtail. 

“Just because you did the totally cliche lesbian move of getting a bob in high school and then going full dyke-cut like a year later doesn’t mean we all have to,” Sam says, starting to wind the other end of her hair until she has a matching mismatched set of buns. It’s cute. And somehow perfectly accompanies her outfit, a navy blue short sleeve button up shirt adorned with pictures of bears playing rock instruments while they float through space tucked into a basic grey circle skirt. 

“Hey Pippa, have you seen my hairspray?” Sam calls from the bathroom, and Piper locates the can on top of her nightstand, though she has no idea why it ended up there. 

“Thank yooouuu,” Sam trills, doing a little twirl of the can around her hair like she’s some beauty shop fairy godmother. 

“You know, I feel like if a nickname is both the same number of letters and the same number of syllables as your full name then it’s not a very good nickname,” Piper points out. 

“Any nickname that is both cute and annoys the nicknamee is actually a perfect nickname, so jot that down Pippa.” 

“It doesn’t _annoy_ me, I just think it’s sort of redundant.” 

Piper half-catches Sam rolling her eyes at her reflection in the mirror, but she abruptly drops it, turning towards Piper and giving her outfit a once over. “Oh, you look so nice.” 

Piper pulls self-consciously at the sleeve of her sweater. She’s wearing her standby nice winter outfit, which is just dark grey slacks and a royal blue fuzzy sweater that her mom bought her. She didn’t even put makeup on, well besides red lipstick, but she always wears that so it doesn’t even really count. 

“It’s your signature look!” Sam had pointed out when Vandal had first gone viral and there had been a whole redd.it thread speculating on the exact shade, much to Piper’s confused amusement. 

Sam’s leaning in close to the mirror, swiping some sort of gel glitter onto her cheeks when it hits Piper very suddenly that it’s New Year’s Eve and that there’s a very specific thing people expect couples to do at midnight. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Sam says, frozen, looking at Piper through her reflection in the mirror even though her back is still towards Piper. 

“I uh, fuck.” 

“You, uh, fuck? Congrats Piper.” 

“No, that’s not— c’mon, fuck off.” 

“Then stop saying it, oh my god,” Sam says, going back to her glitter. 

“So, okay don’t get weird or anything— ” 

“ —Oh great start to a sentence— ” 

“ —Shush. Okay so don’t get weird but uh, Chloe sort of thinks we’re dating.” 

That finally gets Sam to whirl around, the tips of her fingers still covered in glitter. “What? Why?” 

“I,” Piper says, feeling suddenly too warm, “there was sort of a misunderstanding and I didn’t want to correct her and then we were so busy when we first got here I just kind of forgot to— ” 

“ —And you can’t correct her now because it would be awkward?” Sam offers matter-of-factly. “Not to mention completely undermining any trust in us she has.” 

“I didn’t even think of that,” Piper says, Sam’s words settling heavily in her stomach. 

“Shit,” Sam says, half under her breath, and then after a long second. “I mean, I guess we could just go with it for a little while?” 

“Really?” 

“I mean what are the alternatives? We potentially alienate the person who is putting us up and one of our key witnesses in the case for Kevin’s innocence? Not a great idea.” 

“No, no, I know,” Piper agrees, adjusting her glasses. “It’s just, you know, New Year’s kiss?” 

“Shit,” Sam says again. It would probably surprise almost anyone they went to school with, but Sam has been safeguarding her first kiss through years of summer camp truth or dare and school plays. 

“I just want it to be special,” Sam had admitted one night when Piper had pressed her on the issue. “Maybe that’s really naive, but I just want it to mean something.” 

Piper, who had had her first kiss with Spencer Clarke in middle school on the bus ride back from the science museum, didn’t totally _get_ it necessarily, but she knows how important it is to Sam. And the idea of stealing her best friend’s first kiss all because she was too cowardly to correct an assumption in the first place kind of makes her want to throw up. 

“I mean,” Sam says finally after a long pause, “if we staged it right it wouldn’t be too hard to fake. Like we could, you know, stage kiss? With the thumbs?” She holds up her hands to demonstrate, lightly cupping Piper’s face, thumbs hovering over her mouth. “Just make sure we’re not super close to anyone.” 

“You think it’ll work?” 

“I mean, worth a shot right?” Sam says, dropping her hands away from Piper’s face. “For the sake of the doc.” 

“Yeah,” Piper says, feeling like she’s reading lines off of a script, only it’s not one that she’s written. “For the doc.” 

Honestly, she half expects the whole thing to fall apart, or for Sam to just accidentally on purpose place herself on the other side of the room at midnight, but at three minutes to midnight she materializes next to Piper and drags her off to the back porch. Far enough away from the rest of the party goers, but plainly visible should anyone want to try and confirm their relationship status. 

“You okay?” Sam says, taking a step into Piper’s personal space at the ten second mark, a room full of drunk doctors, lawyers, and executives screaming the countdown behind them. 

Piper nods as Sam’s hands come up to cradle her face, only unlike when they’d been in the bathroom earlier she fully sets them against Piper’s face, her thumbs meeting in the middle of her lips. Piper’s in the middle of a thought about how Sam’s fingers are pretty long given that she’s fairly average height when Sam tips her head to the side and leans in, closing her eyes just like it’s a real kiss. 

Piper’s just about to panic about if she’s supposed to do something with her hands (they didn’t discuss hands!) when Sam pulls back and gives her a little smirk like ‘see that wasn’t so bad’ as the sounds of drunk party-goers mixes in with confetti poppers going off and noise blowers being blown. 

“You got um…” She gestures at Sam’s thumbs where her red lipstick had smeared. 

Sam looks at them for a second before raising one to her mouth and swiping it across her lip. Visual proof. 

Piper shivers as a tingle runs up the back of her spine, even though it’s not that cold outside. 

“Happy new year,” Sam says, lingering for a moment before she disappears back into the crush of the party, Piper left alone in the crisp air of a brand new year, feeling more than ever before that something had actually changed at midnight. 

“Yeah, happy new year.” 

[NEW YEAR NEW MYSTERY 🎉🎉🎉]

_[Video Transcript:_

_SE: Happy New Year’s Fandals!_

_PM: (overlapping) Happy New Year!_

_SE: New year, same gorgeous investigators_

_PM: *laughs*_

_SE: *blows noise maker*_

_PM: Sammy oh my g-]_

_(via Snapchat)_

They get into a good groove once they start getting into the meat of filming, and being at a new school means that people are more willing to talk to them than they had been for season one. Back at Hanover they were just those nerdy girls from the Morning Show, but at St. Bernadine’s they’re Netflix funded filmmakers with a reputation that precedes them. Which on the one hand means it’s a lot easier to actually get people they want to interview to talk with them, and not just getting stuck with whoever was willing (Mr. Kraz much?). But on the other hand it means that Piper spends a lot of time trying to filter out who she actually should be interviewing, since there’s not only a lot of volunteers but she doesn’t have the best grasp on the social groups at play. 

At Hanover she’d just instinctively known things like, who were messy exes or who had weird grudges against each other, or usually, more accurately, Sam had known these things. A few weeks in, and several moleskine notebooks of notes, Piper was starting to get a better handle on who to ask about what, but she’s still not perfect. She had learned the hard way that asking Tori Carucci about her opinions on Chloe would turn into a rant or that talking to Mia Abend about DeMarcus would lead to some very very NSFW answers.

Still, she’s getting better all the time, and she still figures her and Sam being a bit of a St. Bernie’s curiosity is good for the documentary overall. And she’s feeling really great about the footage they’ve been able to get this week. 

Michael is unmicing their last interviewee of the day, Suzanne Lewis — _choir rehearsal pianist, friend of Chloe’s, Brownout victim, realistic, neutral to positive stance on Kevin, neutral stance on DeMarcus_ — while Sam helps their camerawoman load up the equipment to be taken out to the car, Michael holding the door for them and then following. Even though their makeshift studio at St. Bernardine does have a door that locks, Piper, and the powers that be at Netflix, don’t feel comfortable leaving thousands of dollars of valuable equipment at the school overnight. 

Piper busies herself looking over her notes from the day and then pulls her laptop open so she can email their Netflix liaison before realizing that Suzanne is still hovering in the room. 

“Oh, hey,” Piper says, hands pausing over her keyboard. “What’s up?” 

Suzanne pulls the strap of her messenger bag up higher on her shoulder. “So, this might be like, kind of random, but I saw you like, tweeted the other day about how you really needed to rewatch _The Room_ before you see _The Disaster Artist_ , and they’re actually doing a double-feature at The Capitol this weekend.” She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “Anyways, I just thought maybe you’d want to like, go? With me?” 

Piper knows people tend to think she’s sort of socially inept, especially when it comes to like, dating and stuff. And sure maybe she’s never had a girlfriend before, but she spends a _lot_ of time analyzing people’s motives and social interactions and she can put two and two together. And in this case two plus two equals someone asking you out. 

“Oh,” Piper says. “That’s really sweet but um…” She pauses, trying to figure out the nicest possible way to phrase ‘I don’t date subjects because it’s a conflict of interest’ without sounding like a total icy bitch, when the door to their studio bangs open again. 

“Hey Pippa? I’m gonna go with Michael to drop off the equipment and he wanted to do a Starbucks run, do you want anything?” Sam says. 

“Yes, yeah,” Piper says, happy for the distraction. “Can you just get me a grande Iced—?”

“ —Cinnamon Dolce Latte with almond milk?” Sam finishes. “Yeah for sure.” 

“What do I owe you?” Piper says, ready to go dig in her bag for her wallet but Sam waves a hand. 

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” 

“You sure?” 

“Totally. You can just pay me back with undying love and gratitude.” 

“I’d rather just give you five bucks.” 

Sam lazily flips her off and then seems to realize Suzanne is still in the room, smacking her lips together and adjusting her snapback awkwardly. “Um, you want anything else? Lemon loaf?” 

“I’m good,” Piper says. 

“Cool. Suzanne are you…?” She gestures out the studio door. 

“I’ll be another minute,” Suzanne says and there’s a weird little flash over Sam’s face for half a second before she shuts the door. It was so quick that Piper’s not entirely sure whether or not it happened or if it was just the dim lighting in the room, the one window covered in a layer of black bristol board. 

Piper turns back to Suzanne, no closer to perfecting a nice version of ‘I can’t date you because there’s a possibility you could be behind poop crimes,’ then she was before but Suzanne gives her a bashful little look and then says, “Are you and Sam...you’re like, a thing right?” 

Piper blinks, because this sure was not the follow up question she was expecting to someone asking her out. “Excuse me?” 

“No, it’s totally okay,” Suzanne says, brushing a hand over her forehead and through her bangs. “I just didn’t realize you were— but that’s like, totally fine. I mean you are, you are a thing, right?” 

She knows that, from a journalistic point of view, it’s her job to correct Suzanne on this assumption. But from her normal Piper point of view, she has to admit that she’s just been handed the perfect get out of jail free card. Especially because she likes Suzanne and doesn’t feel the need to be more callous than necessary in letting her down. 

So yeah, she fucking takes it. 

“Yeah, no, no, we are,” Piper says nodding along, and honestly it’s a good thing that good lying means saying as little as possible because the thought of stringing the words ‘Sam’ and ‘girlfriend’ together feels too dangerous. Like the words would burn the roof of her mouth if she even tried to say them, so she settles for a lot of nodding. 

“That’s, um, that’s great. Really,” Suzanne says. “I’ll just uh, see you around I guess.” 

“Totally,” Piper says, giving the most useless double set of thumbs up as the door bangs shut like the world’s most lackluster high hat hit. 

It doesn’t hit Piper until she’s driving home that once people know a secret they have a tendency to tell other people. And even though Sam was weirdly fine with their little New Year’s stunt, Piper’s pretty sure even she’d draw the line at the entirety of St. Bernie’s knowing. 

She pulls over to send a quick text to Suzanne that they’re keeping their (entirely fake) relationship on the down low, and even though Suzanne responds quickly ( _no worries i figured_ ) her stress level hasn’t entirely gone down by the time she walks upstairs into the main room of the Lyman’s guest house. 

And it shows too because Sam says, “You look like you need this,” and slides her iced latte across the glass coffee table, leaving a dripping trail of condensation that normally would bug the crap out of her but she’s too tired to even care. 

“Oh hey,” Sam says, once Piper is blessedly full of cinnamon flavoured coffee and almond milk. “I heard they’re doing a double bill of _The Room_ and The Disaster Artist on the weekend at that little indie cinema. We should totally go!” 

“For sure,” Piper says, because Sam’s grinning at her in that contagiously excitable way she does sometimes and her hair is done in a two braids which Piper always thinks looks unfairly cute and because despite the weirdness that just went down with Suzanne she _does_ really want to go. 

Though that’s less of a comfort a few days later when Suzanne gives her a very knowing look from beside Tori Carucci as she trails up the movie theatre aisle behind Sam, who’d insisted on carrying all the snacks for her. 

_i’ll catch you if you fall by thatmaldwellshipper_

_American Vandal (TV) RPF_

_**No Archive Warnings Apply** _ _**,** Piper Maldonado/Dylan Maxwell, Sam Ecklund/Dylan Maxwell (Onesided), Piper Maldonado, Dylan Maxwell, Sam Ecklund, Ming Zhang, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Fluff, Pining, Valentine’s Day, I wrote this instead of sleeping_

_Piper finds herself drawn to the mysterious bad boy who keeps coming in to order iced coffee, but what’ll happen when her best friend Sam is drawn to the same guy!?_

_Language: English Words: 2,502 Chapters: 4/? Comments: 6 Kudos: 11 Hits: 146_

_Hide Comments (6)_

_ 27painteddicks _

__ _Harold...they’re lesbians_

_ thatmaldwellshipper_

_It’s almost like bi women exist, take your biphobia elsewhere_

_ 27painteddicks_

_It’s not biphobic for real people to be literal lesbians but go off I_

_guess_

_(via Archive of Our Own)_

__

Despite Suzanne’s multiple assurances that she hadn’t told anyone ( _“Bullshit,” Sam says, “She totally told Tori who told Riley Grossinger who told the cheer team who spread it around to everyone else, obviously”_ ) everyone at St. Bernardine seems to be under the impression that Sam and Piper are a couple for the rest of their shoot. Which isn’t the end of the world, especially because it’s really only about a quarter of a lie anyways. They are both lesbians, and they do spend a lot of time together and care about each other if not exactly _like that_. And yeah, okay, Piper does think Sam is really cute and funny and smart, but that doesn’t mean they have to be _girlfriends_ , gay people are allowed to just be friends. 

So it’s like, mostly fine, even though Piper kind of wants to melt into the floor and become one with the linoleum when they’re interviewing Jenna Hawthorne about the Kendall Jenner photo and her breakup and she gestures over to Piper and says, “I mean how would you feel if Sam dumped you over a stupid joke on instagram!?” 

Jenna doesn’t even wait for a pause before carrying on, and Piper knows they can cut literally anything out, but that doesn’t stop her from feeling insanely guilty when she catches sight of Sam having gone completely red in the face. 

So it’s nice, comforting even, when they get back to Hanover and go back to their comfortable semi-obscurity. Though Piper has to admit, after almost two months in Washington with her and Sam holed up alone in the Lyman’s guest house, it’s weirder than she expects to adapt to being back home with her mom, and to not be tripping over Sam basically all the time. 

She is bizarrely thrilled to have access to an elliptical again. The one in her ‘study’ had been a gift from her mom last Christmas, with the hopes that she could channel her pacing into something a little more contained. There’s something Piper finds so freeing about being able to set your body into a smooth routine motion and just let your mind dig deep into whatever problem you’re facing. Which right now is trying to figure out their rough episode breaks so she can start writing what will eventually be her narration script. It was a lot easier last season when she could just do things as they went along, but now she’s trying to balance giving enough information to lead to the final verdict without her hindsight getting in the way too much. 

She’s not quite sure how long she’s been on the elliptical when Sam calls, interrupting the episode of _The Black Tapes_ she was in the middle of, but she’s sweaty enough that it takes her a good two tries to swipe and answer the call. 

“Hey,” Piper says, putting her program on pause. “What’s up?” 

“ _Haveyouseenthearticle!?_ ” Sam says in a big breathless rush, like she’s the one who’s been on the elliptical instead of Piper. 

“The what?” Piper asks. 

“The article about women in true crime for the Daily Dot? Remember they called us for a quote a while ago?” 

“Uh, yeah, kinda?” They’d had so many of these little PR moments to prep as Netflix prepared to start building the hype for season two. Endless sound bytes and quotes and descriptions of the series to be sent to publications that ranged from the Hanover High’s school newspaper, all the way up to internationally distributed publications. At a certain point they all just started to blur together, but she feels confident that nothing she’s ever said should elicit the kind of panic that’s in Sam’s voice now. “What happened?” 

“Uh, well they sure did report that we’re _dating_.” 

Piper jerks so hard she pulls the little safety cord out of its magnetic holder. “What? Why?” 

“Piper, I don’t fucking know,” Sam says, and then takes a long breath out. “Sorry, I’m not, I’m not mad at you I just, Colin literally just came into my room and showed me the article and was like ‘hey do mom and dad know?’ and like, trying to be really nice and supportive and shit but like. Fuck.” 

“Are you one hundred percent sure that it said we were dating? Like, did it maybe just read weird out of context?” 

“Yeah, no, I’m sure Pippa. Here it literally says, uhh, blah blah blah _My Favorite Murder_ , blah blah, okay yeah here; ‘ _The breakout viral sensation of ‘American Vandal,’ which recently underwent an upgrade as the docuseries moved from Vimeo to Netflix, signals just how much of a game changer this wave of women in true crime journalism may be. The intrepid duo behind the smash hit, Piper Maldonado and Sam Ecklund, approach their material with a compassion and a forthrightness that is often missing from higher profile crime investigation, nevermind that their focus is on spray painted dicks. As the narrator of the eight part series, Maldonado doesn’t hesitate to turn the camera back on herself and Ecklund throughout the process, even as some embarrassing secrets are spilled. Though, this self-aware style may become complicated for their second season, currently in post-production, as Maldonado confirms that the two are now a couple, something which will not come to a surprise to many fans who had speculated on their chemistry in the first season.’_ There’s a bit more about the doc but like, yeah that’s the main part,” Sam finishes halfheartedly. 

“Oh my god,” Piper says gripping the cord of her headphones below the microphone, “Yeah, uh, fuck. Sam, I swear I don’t know how the hell they got any of that from what I said. I mean I don’t _exactly_ remember what I said ‘cause we were doing like a million PR things all the time, but like, obviously I didn’t tell them we were dating.” 

Sam doesn’t say anything for a long time and guilt starts pooling in Piper’s stomach. “Look, I can like, email the writer and try and clear everything up. They can post a correction.” 

“You’re really underestimating how fast the twittersphere works,” Sam says and then gives a half defeated little sigh. 

“Sam, I am _so sorry_.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“I mean, yeah, it kind of is,” Piper says. “We get them to print a correction and then we like, spread that around. Maybe put something on the official twitter?” 

“Yeah, I mean I guess we could, or maybe…” 

“Maybe what?” 

“I mean like. We’ve already kind of been pretending this long and honestly I feel like if we go back on it people will just think we’re lying. If people want to think it so badly maybe it’s easier if we just like, let them? At least until season two is out and then we can just like, say we split up amicably.” 

“Are you sure?” Piper says hesitantly. “This isn’t just like, Chloe, or some kids at St. Bernie's this is like, officially on the record.” 

Sam sighs. “I mean #Vandalesbians is already trending.” 

“I’ve never loved that.” 

“Yeah, me neither, but it’s arguably better than any of the smush names,” Sam points out. Like this is just a normal conversation, and not the fourth time in less than three months that someone assumed they’re a couple. But it’s not like Piper wants to examine that too closely either. So she just snorts. 

“So um,” Piper says after it doesn’t seem like Sam is willing to make the next move. “We’re just going to leave this for right now?” 

“I think so,” Sam says. “Maybe if it flares up and gets really bad we’ll have to put out some fires but, I kind of think it’ll be okay? The main problem is just going to be like...my parents...and Gabi.” 

“Oh yeah, I guess I should probably tell my mom.” 

“Yeah do it before she corners you and tries to give you lube and dental dams.” 

“...Did that happen to you?” 

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Sam says, and then after a pause. “Hey, I mean, it could be worse. They could have reported that you and Dylan were a thing.” 

“Yeah, dear god that would have been a tragedy.” 

“Hey, silver lining, maybe we’ll finally get the Maldwell shippers to chill.” 

“I mean if they were gonna be chill that would have happened when I changed my twitter description to ‘Head Lesbian at PM Productions,’” Piper points out, feeling them slipping farther away from the point but not being able to help herself from being pulled into the comforting gravitational pull of their usual back and forth. 

“Heterosexual tomfoolery knows no bounds,” Sam agrees. 

_americanvandal Prom 2: St. Bernadine Boogaloo_

_[Image Description: Piper Maldonado and Sam Ecklund pressed close_

_together in front of a full length mirror. Piper is wearing a black sleeveless_

_jumpsuit with silver beading around the neckline and cutouts at hips and a_

_silver headband in her short dark hair. Sam is wearing a short white and silver cocktail dress with short sleeves and a flared skirt. Her hair is in two low buns. They are both wearing matching corsages]_

_(Via Instagram)_

The thing about fake dating your best friend very casually for months on end is that it stops feeling like a big deal. They go to school, they work on the Morning Show, they work on the doc, they go see movies of varying quality. Occasionally Piper gets reminded of the fact that they’re misleading people, like when she gets adorable emails and tweets from mostly young lesbians and bi girls telling her how much her and Sam inspire them, or when suddenly they’re fielding all new PR questions about how hard it must have been to work as a couple, or when Piper goes over to Sam’s house and the door to her room gets very conspicuously left open. But overall, there’s not really much they actually _do_ to maintain it, so she kind of forgets about it most of the time. 

It’s not until Piper is standing beside Sam on stage at a high school that they do not attend, being crowned joint Prom Queens, that she thinks maybe she let this get a little bit out of control. 

She’s more than a little unsteady and she thanks god that being crowned Prom Queen isn’t exactly the kind of thing that people expect you to make a speech for or anything. She mostly just focuses on trying to stay upright and smile for the camera, Sam’s arm wrapped around her waist like she can tell that Piper might tip over at any moment. She doesn’t let go until they’re off the small platform stage and tucked together for the mandatory post-announcement slow dance. 

Piper hooks her arms around Sam’s neck, letting her lead, and she’s doing okay until she catches a glance of Suzanne slow dancing with Tori over Sam’s shoulder. Suzanne gives her a little knowing look, and suddenly Piper feels completely off balance all over again. Can’t stop thinking about where Sam’s thumbs are on her hips where the cutouts on the jumpsuit leave a crescent moon shaped exposure of bare skin, the way Sam smells like Old Spice body wash and those sour cherry candies she couldn’t stop eating on the car ride to prom, and the way that Piper knows that at the bottom of every lie there’s always, _always_ a kernel of truth. 

She feels like she accidentally told a secret she didn’t even know she had, and now that she knows it might be true there’s absolutely no way to take it back. 

“I got you,” Sam says under her breath, and lets Piper tuck her face into her shoulder and just breathe, more just rocking back and forth than dancing. “I got you.” 

Thank god after that prom is essentially over, people disappearing in waves for Jenna Hawthorne’s after-prom party. 

“We don’t have to go,” Sam says once they’re walking out into the warm June air of the parking lot, “It’s been a crazy week, I don’t think anyone would blame you.” 

The thought of going back to their hotel room (one king bed, thanks Netflix) and being completely alone with Sam is a lot less comforting and a lot more terrifying, so Piper just shakes her head and lets Sam take as many selfies of the two of them in their crowns as she wants in the backseat of Tanner Basset’s car as they drive over to Jenna’s after prom party. Sam’s hair is starting to come out of her two low buns and Piper has to forcibly resist the urge to tuck the loose strands back in.

Once they’re at the party and there’s a never-ending revolving door of hellos and hugs and congratulations and ‘how are yous!’ to deal with Piper can very conveniently tuck those thoughts away, like saving a bookmark that she’ll look at guiltily without clicking before eventually deleting. 

It’s fine. Everything’s fine. 

They end up eventually on an obnoxiously big white leather sectional halfway through Jenna passing a joint around. Piper abstains, but Sam takes a long hit before passing it to Riley Grossinger, who doesn’t even take a hit as the song abruptly changes and she squeals, handing it over to Jenna before grabbing Molly Hearst and pulling her onto the makeshift dance floor. 

“Ugh, I’m so fucking sweaty. I’m gonna go change!” Sam calls over the music, giving Piper a little pat on the knee. “I’ll be right back.” 

When they were younger, Piper used to feel adrift at parties whenever Sam disappeared to go say hi to her drama friends or the upperclassmen she knew through her sister, never knowing what she was supposed to drink or not drink, what to do with her hands. But she feels like she’s a lot better at it now, having run the gamet of PR and interviews and award shows. Still, she’s not entirely sure how she’s supposed to react when Tanner is starting to lean too far into her as he makes out with Chloe, especially when she’s pressed up on her other side by Tori and Suzanne who had exactly the same idea

“Ugh,” Jenna says standing. “C’mon Piper, lets go finish this away from the tonsil hockey youth league.” 

Tori Carucci flips her off since her mouth preoccupied with sucking a hickey on to her girlfriend’s neck, and Piper jumps at the invitation, following Jenna as she weaves her way through the party goers and off onto a large balcony. 

“You want some?” Jenna asks, holding out the joint for her. 

“Nah, I shouldn’t. Asthma.” 

“Aww well more for me,” Jenna says. “Not to sound bitter but if God was going to make me this beautiful did She have to forsake me to be single and surrounded by disgustingly happy couples all the time?” She takes another hit and then adds belatedly, “Like, no offense.” 

“Oh, none taken.” 

“You and Sam are honestly probably the least annoying couple of anyone too because like, you’re so in love but you’re like, cozy and shit. That’s the best kind of being in love. But I mean, what do I know about that?” Jenna takes the last hit, tossing the roach off the side of the balcony. 

Jenna’s quiet for a long moment and Piper can feel the bizarre urge to confide in her build up in the back of her throat until she can’t stand it any longer and blurts into the silence, “Sam and I aren’t actually dating.” 

Piper can feel the palms of a her hands dampen and a chill run through her as a jolt of adrenaline moves through her system, but Jenna just blinks blandly at her for a moment before saying, “Yeah you are,” like Piper is an idiot. 

“No really, honestly, we’re not,” Piper says crossing her arms over her chest. 

“So what you’re like, hooking up but Sam doesn’t know you’re all moony for her?” 

“No, like, everyone kept thinking we were together and then it was complicated to tell them we weren’t so we just like, let everyone go along thinking that we were but we never have been and we’re not.” 

Jenna looks at her again for a long moment before pulling a second joint and a lighter out of her cleavage, lighting it, and then taking a long drag. “Honestly, it’s kind of comforting to know that you two are just as dumb as the rest of us under all that documentary bullshit.”

“Sam’s not dumb.” 

“Oh my fucking god,” Jenna says taking another hit. “Hey, you know how many times people gal pal-ed me and my ex?” 

“I don’t know Jenna,” Piper says rolling her eyes, “What does that have to do with anything.” 

“It has to do with the fact that no one ever thinks two girls are dating. Ever. The epitome of lesbian culture is strangers asking you if you’re sisters, okay? If multiple people have assumed you’re _actually_ dating, it’s because you are.” 

“Oh my god did you even listen to what I— ” 

“I’m bored of this conversation,” Jenna says abruptly. ”I’m going to get some pretzels,” and then she just fucking turns and walks back into the party, leaving Piper alone on the deck, poking her tongue into the side of her cheek in annoyance. 

It’s stupid, and Piper knows it’s stupid, but Jenna’s gotten inside her head, and she can’t stop running her words over and over in her head as they finish up their time in Bellevue. And as hard as she tries to push it down, make it go away, she has to admit that Jenna is onto something. If people think they’re a couple, that means there’s something there. 

_Piper’s in love with Sam._

The thought falls into her head like an anvil in a Roadrunner cartoon on the drive back from after-prom. Sam’s half singing to an Ariana Grande song turned low on the radio, and she knows it’s right as soon as she thinks it. She’s in love with Sam. Not just a puppy crush, not just ‘well maybe I would theoretically be into it if you were,’ she loves Sam. Maybe has for years. 

“Hey? You okay?” Sam asks. “You look a bit...pukey?” 

“I’m okay,” Piper says, suddenly way too aware of every single part of her body. The exposed skin on her hip where the cutouts on her jumpsuit touch the leather of the car seat an overly intimate reminder of the fact that Sam had touched her there just a few hours before. 

“You don’t look okay,” Sam says. “Do you think it was from all the smoke? Do you want your inhaler? Or we could grab some food if you think eating would help?” 

“I think I just want to sleep.” 

“Yeah of course.” 

Sam doesn’t say anything else on the rest of the short drive, but Piper can tell she’s put herself in command mode, carrying their stuff back to the room and fishing out her keycard in the elevator. She sets Piper’s things nicely on top of the dresser unit, but throws her own haphazardly on the chair. 

“Honestly this is a cute look,” Sam says checking herself out in the full length mirror. She’s wearing a baggy Hanover High Drama sweatshirt and a pair of skinny jeans that they’d jokingly dubbed ‘The Blowjob Jeans’ back in the day because of the extra quilted padding around the knees. Her hair is in its carefully hairsprayed messy buns at the nape of her neck. Sam almost never wears makeup so she hadn’t done anything particularly fancy, just some blush across her cheeks and the bridge of her nose and some glittery eyeliner. She looks so beautiful. Piper feels like she has to look at her only through her peripherals otherwise it’s just too much, like looking directly into a ring light. 

“Piper?” Sam asks, and the way she says it Sam knows it’s not been the first time. 

“Hmm, sorry, I was just— ” 

“Thinking about the doc, I know. Can you help me take my hair down? There’s so many bobby pins in this thing.” 

Piper’s first impulse is to say no, but there’s literally no way she can do that without sounding absolutely nuts. She needs to chill the hell out, she’s spent the last six months constantly around Sam and it’s been _fine_. But somehow in light of her revelation that’s less comforting and more absolutely horrifying. 

Sam sits on the edge of the bed and Piper tries to touch her as little as possible as she pulls a seemingly never ending supply of bobby pins out of her hair. It’s been hairsprayed to death so it’s not exactly a romantic waterfall of tendrils, but it still frames her face when Sam turns to look at Piper. 

“Hey,” Sam says softly, running a hand over her hair. “You sure you’re okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Piper says, echoing her soft tone. 

“Piper Maldonado, Prom Queen.” 

“Yeah, who knew it was possible?” 

“I did,” Sam says and reaches over and squeezes Piper’s hand. Piper tries valiantly to remember how to breathe, feeling like she can only inhale. “I’m going to shower.” 

Piper knows it’s wishful thinking how much that sounds like an invitation, and she lets go of Sam’s hand gently. 

As soon as Sam is safely behind the bathroom door with the water running Piper deposits her handful of bobby pins onto the nightstand, and looks over resignedly at the pull-out couch. 

She manages to get the whole thing set up with sheets and all by the time Sam emerges from the bathroom in her pyjamas. Wet hair already in another messy bun. 

“What— ?” 

“I just thought,” Piper says in a guilty rush. “Maybe you were right and if I’m not feeling super well I don’t want to wake you up in the middle of the night if I need to get up or anything.” 

“It’s a king bed.” 

“I know, I know, I’d just feel bad. If I did. Wake you up.” 

“Do I snore too loudly or something? Cause you can say if I do I won’t be offended.” 

“You don’t snore,” Piper protests. “I mean, okay you do a little bit but it’s not annoying or anything, it’s honestly pretty cute, and it’s fine. I just want to sleep by myself tonight.” 

“Okay...” Sam says, and Piper can tell from the tone of her voice that she’s restraining herself from saying anything else, but she just turns down the covers on the king bed and climbs in. 

Piper escapes to the bathroom to change out of her prom clothes, and when she returns Sam is turned over on her side with the light off, even though Piper knows there’s no way in hell she’s already asleep. Still, she tries to be quite as she gets into her newly made up sofa bed, setting her glasses on the side table along with her phone and leaning up to turn the lamp off. 

“Night Sammy,” Piper says into the darkness. An olive branch. 

“Night Pippa.” 

_**Ashley Hanson** @Ash_Hanson18 June 20_

_Is there anything better than finding out the baby freshman gays when you were a senior are dating now???_ 😻 😻 😻 _Congrats to @Pip_R_Maldo and @SpamEcklund!!_

_(via Twitter)_

Once they get back to Oceanside Piper is so blissfully busy between post-production and exams she doesn’t have time to panic about being in love with her best friend. Or, okay, she still finds pockets of time here or there, like when Sam leans over the back of her chair as they go over some preliminary recreation shots, the simple knot necklace she wears all the time hanging gracefully off her long neck as she looks over Piper’s shoulder at the screen. Or when Sam brings her iced coffee before the Morning Show, Piper messing up the score of the girl’s soccer team twice because she’s still half preoccupied by the fact that Sam had accidentally taken a sip from Piper’s drink; making a face and sliding it back over the desk towards her like it wasn’t a big deal that they’d essentially kissed via proxy. 

But _most_ of the time Piper can tuck it in the back of her brain and concentrate on other things. Which is a pretty big blessing because between being gone for the beginning of the semester and a fairly bad case of Senioritis, Piper is having to make up a lot of ground before exams. She doesn’t even see Sam for almost a week except for in the hallway right before their Comp Gov final, Sam’s hands pressed over her ears as she mouths dates and facts to herself. They don’t even talk, but Sam does turn around in her chair to give Piper a subtle thumbs up as the exams get passed out. 

On Thursday after her last exam Piper drives herself home and allows herself a few blessed minutes of flopping onto her couch and doing absolutely nothing before she forces herself to get up and track down a notebook. She flips past some notes about trailer ideas for season two and writes at the top of the page _How to Break Up With Sam Ecklund_. 

Just looking at the words hurts, but Piper won’t let herself look away, forcing herself instead to start brainstorming a bullet list underneath. 

On the one hand, breaking up before season two launches seems like it might lead to some fan backlash, especially among their most avid fans who were mostly very supportive of the idea that they were dating. But on the other hand it feels morally wrong to make Sam continue to fake date her as she goes off to Berkeley in September, she should be able to spread her lesbian wings and get to meet people who can actually offer her something mutually. Plus, #Ecknaldo might be a big deal to their fans who had carried over from Vimeo, to the average Netflix viewer Sam and Piper were essentially nobodies whose personal lives they didn’t care about.

Plus, it’s not like Sam would be that broken up about it. If anything, Sam would probably want it done sooner rather than later so she could get in on the Camp Miniwaka hookups this summer. Maybe finally get her elusive, meaningful first kiss. 

God she can’t think about that. She can’t think about Sam cupping someone’s face in her hands the way she’d done to Piper on New Year’s Eve, but without the gentle barrier of her thumbs on their lips. Fuck. 

She texts Sam before she can chicken out, half relieved and half grief stricken when Sam texts back almost immediately. 

_Hey I need to talk to you about something, can I come over?_

_Yeah totally !!!_

Sam’s older sister Lindsay opens the door when Piper knocks, calling, “Sammy your _girlfriend_ is here!” over her shoulder triumphantly before turning back to Piper, “Hey Piper, what’s up?” 

“Uh, you know, the usual,” Piper says, dread settled too thick in her throat to come up with much else as she steps into the Ecklund’s’ house. She hears Sam thumping up the stairs from the basement before she sees her, arriving at the top of the stairs and grinning over at her. 

“Hey, that was quick.” 

“Is that okay? I can come back in a bit?” 

“Oh my god yeah it’s fine,” Sam says. “I just have a load of laundry I’m gonna need to turn over in a— ” a beeping from the basement cuts her off, “yeah that’ll be it. Gimme one second.” 

Sam doesn’t wait for her reply before bounding back down the basement steps, leaving Piper awkwardly in the Ecklund’s kitchen, unsure if Sam expected her to follow her or not. 

“Soooooo,” Lindsay says, opening the fridge and pouring herself a glass of pink lemonade from a plastic pitcher. “Guess who I bumped into yesterday?”

“Who?” Piper asks, turning and leaning against one of the tucked-in chairs at the breakfast nook, trying to look a little less lost and awkward without Sam. 

“Ashley Hanson,” Lindsay says casually, taking a sip of her lemonade, and Piper can feel her cheeks heating up. “Yeah, Dan and I bumped into her at Target. She was asking about you.” 

Lindsay smiles around the rim of her glass knowingly. It’s about the opposite of a secret that she carried a huge torch for Ashley, especially since Sam had blabbed it on the doc (and then Piper left it in the cut out of fairness). Ashley was in twelfth grade when Piper was in ninth, was one of the anchors on the Morning Show, swim team captain, and all around lesbian heartthrob, and it’s not that Piper’s ashamed of having been a very normal fourteen-year-old with a crush, but there’s something particularly awkward about having this brought up by her best friend’s sister. Especially because if Piper’s being honest with herself, she also had a totally cliche best friend’s older sister crush on Lindsay right around the same time. 

Piper’s forcing herself not to relive the time she spilled an entire blue raspberry slushie down the front of her top at the school carnival, and both Ashley and Lindsay had very sweetly escorted her to the bathroom and had tried to help her clean up with wads of paper towel and Tide-to-Go pens retrieved from backpacks as Lindsay continues. 

“Anyways, she said she _loved_ the first season and was so excited that you guys had landed that Netflix deal,” Lindsay says. “Also she seemed so happy for you guys when I told her you and Sammy finally got your shit together.” 

“Oh. Great,” Piper says. And while letting down her never-going-to-happen upperclassman crush really should be the least of her worries given the situation, she’s not exactly thrilled to add Ashley Hanson to the seemingly never ending list of people she’s letting down. 

It’s a nice distraction then when Sam’s mom wanders into the kitchen, smiling as she catches sight of Piper. “All wrapped up with exams, Piper?” 

“Yup, last one was this morning.” 

“I cannot believe that you girls are _graduating_ ,” Sam’s mom says, shaking her head in disbelief. “Have you figured out your college plans yet?” 

Piper nods, it had been up in the air for a while whether or not she would accept her offer at UCLA since there was a lot to do still before the second season launched in the fall. “Yeah I’m going to defer to next fall. Theoretically I could start in the winter but I’d really rather start in the fall since it’s my first year and it’s going to be such a big change.” 

“Very smart. Oh speaking of which, did Sam talk to you about Winter Break at all?” 

Piper shakes her head. “Are you not going to Florida this year?” Sam’s maternal grandparents live about an hour and a half from Orlando and they usually fly over every year for Christmas, since the Ecklunds themselves don’t do much to celebrate, and then spend some time at Universal Studios and Disney World. Which Piper does find kind of funny since Disneyland is only about an hour away from Oceanside, but it’s a big Ecklund family tradition and Sam looks forward to it every year. 

“No we’re still going,” Sam’s mom says. “We actually, me and Sam’s dad, we wanted to, as a graduation gift for both of you, invite you along to come with us this year. If that’s alright with your mom of course.” 

“What?” Piper says. 

“Really sweetheart, it would be our absolute pleasure to get to do this for you. Also I know Sam’s grandparents would love to get the chance to meet you after hearing about you for so many years. And Sam was telling me how much you’ve wanted to go to Potterworld.” 

“It’s the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, mom,” Lindsay corrects. 

“Yes that’s right,” Sam’s mom says. “Again we’d need to sit down and figure out details, but it really and truly would make us so happy if we could bring you along. And I know it would be a nice treat for Sam as well.” 

“What would be a nice treat for Sam?” Sam says appearing at the top of the stairs. Piper stares at her wide eyed and Sam turns exasperated to her mom. 

“Did you tell her about Florida?” 

“Honey, we need to start planning these things out soon, and I wasn’t sure if Piper had figured out her school stuff yet. I don’t want this to not happen because we didn’t get a move on quick enough.” 

Sam makes a face that isn’t technically an eye roll but gives off the same general impression. “I told you I needed to tell her or she’d freak out about it.” 

“I’m not freaked out— ” Piper says unconvincingly. 

“Pippa c’mon,” Sam says, gesturing for her to follow, and then taking her hand when Piper doesn’t move. “Mom, stop traumatizing my girlfriend,” she adds over her shoulder as she tugs Piper along to the basement stairs, finally dropping her hand as the reach the bottom landing. 

When Piper and Sam had first become friends in seventh grade Sam had had a room upstairs, but she’d quickly jumped to call dibs on Colin’s much more private basement room when he’d moved out. Normally, Piper loved the fact that it was so private, and they’d taken advantage of that many times in the past for filming. Though more recently that’s seen Sam’s parents making any excuse to come downstairs since they’ve been ‘dating,’ Sam’s door dutifully propped open. Today though she shuts it behind her, rolling her eyes as she goes and flops down in her desk chair. 

“God, I literally told her like four times I needed to tell you myself so you wouldn’t freak out.” 

“I’m not freaking out,” Piper says, and it sounds so fake even to her own ears as she hovers awkwardly beside Sam’s bed. The covers are still turned down and rumpled from last night, since Sam’s mom isn’t a real estate agent who taught her the joys of a fully made bed as a very young child. There’s just something so weirdly intimate about getting to see Sam’s turned down covers, even though she’s seem them a hundred times. 

“It’s fine if you’re freaking out,” Sam says. 

“I’m not,” Piper says stubbornly. 

“Alright,” Sam says, unconvinced, slowly turning herself back and forth in her desk chair, her socked feet pointed like a dancer’s. They’re close enough together that Sam’s knees almost brush hers as she turns. 

A long silence stretches out between them before finally snapping, Piper’s knees practically giving out under her as she sits on the edge of Sam’s bed. Come on Maldonado, bite the bullet. 

“We need to break up.” 

Sam stops turning in the chair. “What?” 

Piper takes a long inhale and then forces it out in a whoosh. “You’re going to camp next week and I’ve been looking at it from all the angles and it just makes the most sense of us to break up before the end of the summer so there can be a buffer period before the new season launches.” 

“A buffer period?” Sam says, eyebrows up near her hairline. 

“Well, if there’s any fan backlash we want to make sure they have the time to adjust before the new season airs,” Piper says. 

“What are you— ?” Sam starts agitated, pausing and collecting herself. “Piper, what the fuck are you talking about?” 

“I mean we can’t keep faking this when you leave for college so I thought we maybe had a little bit longer to figure out the best course of action, but if your parents are thinking about spending literally thousands of dollars on theme park tickets and accommodations because they think we’re dating we have to break up now.” 

“Okay please don’t get all hung up on the money because it’s literally just the same amount we would have spent on Colin and he can’t come this year. Besides, my parents paid for Daniel to come with us last year.” 

“Okay but Daniel and Lindsay are _actually_ dating,” Piper says, not fully able to try and keep the frustration out of her voice. She’s trying to break her heart and Sam won’t let her just get it over with. She takes a deep breath, trying again. “We have to ‘break up’ eventually. I don’t want you to have to be keeping this up when you start college and there’s all these new people you could be meeting. I’m trying— I’m trying to let you off the hook.” 

“I mean that’s kind of a presumption,” Sam says half under her breath. 

“What, that there’ll be gay girls at Berkeley?” 

“That I _want_ to be let off the hook.” 

Sam’s words seem to settle into her body before they settle in her mind. Her heart swooping into double time, even as she’s still trying to make sense of Sam’s words, which can’t _possibly_ mean what Piper wants them to mean, but at the same time don’t seem like they can possibly mean anything else. 

Sam is very firmly looking at her bedroom floor, ears very slowly turning red. “You keep saying that we can’t keep lying to people but maybe….maybe it doesn’t have to be a lie?” 

“Oh my god,” Piper says, heavily. “I’m really _not_ good at my job.”

“Yeah, for the record,” Sam says, shyly looking up through her eyelashes. “If someone agrees to fake date you...they probably have some more than platonic feelings for you. And I really don’t know if you feel the same way so hopefully I’m not totally fucking this up right now.” 

“Hey,” Piper says, resting her hand lightly on Sam’s knee, looking at her intently until Sam finally looks up to meet her eyes. “Surprise, you’re not good at your job too ” 

Sam snorts and then sniffs, her eyes misting over a little bit. 

“Hey,” Piper says, putting her other hand on Sam’s other knee and pulling her towards her to close the distance between them. 

“Hi,” Sam says, and then puts a hand over her face. “God, why are we so dumb.” 

“You’re not dumb,” Piper says. “You’re like, the smartest person I know.” 

“I know the people you know, that bar is not that high.” 

“Even still,” Piper says. Their kneecaps are bumping up against each other and that shouldn’t feel half as romantic as it does, but she can’t help the thrill that it rises in her. 

Sam’s ears are still a semi-alarming shade of red, but she looks incredibly pleased with herself. 

“Hey,” Piper says, bringing one of her hands up to rest on the dip between Sam’s neck and her shoulder, half exposed by the wide neckline of her baseball tee. “Have I told you recently how much I love you?” 

“Not since yesterday,” Sam says. 

“I didn’t even see you yesterday,” Piper points out. 

“Semantics,” Sam says, and then leans in, the same way she did for their New Year’s Eve ‘kiss’. 

“Wait, Sam,” Piper says, pulling back a little bit. “Your first kiss.” 

“I know,” Sam says, and then kisses her, a soft, almost hesitant press of lips.

Piper realizes belatedly that she is wearing red lipstick, but Sam doesn’t seem to care. They’re kissing a second time now, mouths gently open, and Piper panics for a half second about tongue but Sam doesn’t seem in a rush, happy to linger and explore. 

Piper’s not sure exactly when Sam’s arms ended up looped around her shoulders, and her own hands have shifted from Sam’s knees to gripping her thighs. Piper gives an exploratory lick into the soft heat of Sam’s mouth and she makes this broken little noise even as her arms tighten around Piper’s back and Sam gently teases Piper’s bottom lip with her teeth. 

That tips the scales, quite literally as Piper falls backwards onto Sam’s bed, pulling Sam along with her, their mouths disconnecting as Sam ends up hovering over her. Her hand planted near Piper’s head as she gazes down at her, eyes wild and blown, strands of hair falling out of her bun, lipstick smeared from under her nose all the way down to where her bottom lip meet her chin. 

It’s the hottest thing Piper’s ever seen in her fucking life. 

“Pippa,” Sam gasps, and Piper climbs her hands up Sam’s shoulders to cup her face, thumbs rubbing over the soft swells of her cheeks. “I love you.” 

Piper’s just about to shift backwards so Sam can climb more fully onto the bed with her _(Sam’s bed! Sam’s unmade bed that smells like her! They’re kissing in Sam’s bed!)_ when Sam’s bedroom door swings open. 

“You’re not supposed to have the door closed _Samantha_ ,” Lindsay’s voice sing-songs as she appears in the doorway like the monster in a horror movie. She freezes as she catches sight of them, Sam scrambling to her feet. Piper’s stuck flat on her back on Sam’s bed and if the entirely too compromising position hadn’t been a dead giveaway, the matching smears of red lipstick really are the proverbial nails in the coffin. 

That doesn’t stop Sam from pulling the most indignant and defensive, “Lindsay get _out_ of my room!” Piper has ever heard outside of a Disney Channel Original Movie. 

“Oh my fucking god,” Lindsay snorts. “Your fucking mouth.” 

“Out!” Sam snaps.

“Okay I’m going, I’m going,” Lindsay says, still laughing to herself, leaving the door open behind her. 

Sam glares at Lindsay’s back and wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand self consciously as Piper sits up on her bed. 

“Wanna go back to my house?” 

“Piper Maldonado!” Sam says all fake indignation. “Are you propositioning me!?” 

“I mean it’s about time,” Piper says, standing and coming over to wipe a lingering red stain off of Sam’s top lip, “We have been dating for six months.” 

_r/AmericanVandal_

_Ecknaldo Chatter Posted by u/fearlessjournalism 14 hours ago_

_**Does anyone know when Sam & Piper got together??? ** _

**__** _All the info I can find about when Sam and Piper started dating seems to contradict itself, does anyone know if they ever made an official announcement?_

_Here’s the timeline I’ve put together_

_April 2016: Piper makes segment claiming Sam is in love with Gabi Granger, last known official date they are not a couple._

_Fall 2017: Rumors/speculation that Sam and Piper are a couple after both officially come out on social media_

_December 2017: Sam and Piper are pretty clearly sharing a room at the Lyman’s house as can be seen on Sam’s snapchat and Piper’s instagram_

_January 1 2018: Multiple snapchat photos/videos of the two of them at a NYE party from the official Vandal account and Chloe Lyman’s personal account show Sam had red lipstick on her mouth after midnight_

_January 12 2018: Article in HuffPo on Women in True Crime names Sam as Piper’s girlfriend is published (likely written within a few weeks of publication)_

_So all of this points to the fact that Sam and Piper got together sometime between April 2016 and December 2017 (probably closer to the latter), with the latest possible date being December 31st 2017, right?_

_BUT Sam just posted photos of the two of them at Disney World and Piper’s dessert plate clearly has ‘Happy 6 Month Anniversary!’ written on it in chocolate sauce. Today (December 21st) being their six month anniversary is completely impossible given the timeline._

_Does anyone know if they’ve ever officially announced when they got together or has any proof for when they did?_

_tl;dr: Dates Sam & Piper probably got together don’t match up with the date they are _

_now claiming is their 6 month anniversary (December 21st). Does anyone know when_

_they got together?_

_45 Comments_

_SORT BY TOP (SUGGESTED)_

_ketchup_packet 54 points 10 hours ago_

_It’s obvious, gays are bad at math_

_Hawthornettes 10 points 9 hours ago_

_Or they just wanted free cake_

_ketchup_packet 12 points 9 hours ago_

_Gays are bad at math and like free cake!_

_(via Reddit)_

**Author's Note:**

> Much love to youshallnotfinditso and evol_love for the million little (and not so little) things they do without which I would accomplish very little. You can find me on tumblr where I'm also phonecallfromgod.


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